Chapter 4

"Hear ye! Hear ye! The doors of the castle are open to all this fine evening. Queeniereads has proclaimed it time for the Lockjaw Ball! Your admission is one bowl of gruel for the truly-deeply- needy and three fine feathers for her highness!"

Maureen and LadyKitten, our court spy friends, told us Royal Boy (Roy) Orbisonian was going to be the headline entertainer for the evening, while the Pixie Chicks (former alley cat friends of ours: Niki, Suggie and Swbear Meitenschwander) were going to be the opening act.

Malo and Shamrock were both worried about fitting into their dresses since the Doughnut Score-and-More Contest at the Blowzy tavern earlier this month. [Aerrick and Amberina kept telling them to stick with the pastries and lay off the suds, but they truly figured the calories wouldnt count. "Its light suds, no calories?" the foolish girls said. PLUS, my little Pupshin got sick all over Prince Consort-Consort-Consorts boots, and that horrid brother Percival kicked my little Pupshinnot smart on his part as his boots got the rest of the beer swill.] We girls have no idea why the Prince and his brother keep coming around and trying to talk to my momma Blanche. The last time, I overheard the Prince say: "Give me that certificate or the money to remodel the tavern will not arrive!" Whats with old men? Sheesh. Then, he tries to kiss her and my clever mom clipped him on the head with a tankard!

But I go on about old people and their troubles, and the real world was all about a PARTY! Aerrick and Amberina and I found a sows ear and fashioned it into a silk-like texture for their old gowns. We were very proud of our endeavor. Polly Ester Travesham sewed on the fabric as a border just below the bodice, and we told her wed name the idea after her! My problem was still the huge bodice on my gown and the wilting lilies with which I was to fill the spot. Gypsyqueen Rose Lee, my mothers friend, offered to loan me a huge pair of her husbands socks, but they kept falling out of the top. I finally used twin baby boars (died at birth, I would never use animal parts for experimentation!) stomach linings and Malo filled them with well water. Polly cleverly sewed them in. She said "You are an enterprising maid. One day you will figure a better way to do this under the skin." Boy, does she have the imagination! I was secretly proud of her noticing my intellectual abilities nonetheless. She also reworked Malo and Shamrocks gowns. If we have to say so ourselves, we looked HOT!

As we started across the Hooters that night (Twin Mountains to outsiders), we were bedeviled by Terries and her friends Wonderwoman and Ruth. These fun spoilers were carrying placards for womens rights and saying the young girls of today are going to hell over a handbasketsomething to that effect? What does that mean? These women are past their twentieth birth days and unmarried. No wonder! They wear peasant pants and make fun of our dresses! Terries started laughing when she saw myfaux décolletage, and asked if I stuffed my dress with socks... a lot she knows about modern girls! I told her to find a pink flamingo to cover her bloomers, and she retorted she would eat a cow if she ever saw a pack of pink flamingoes.another idea in my mental storehouse got filed that night. She is such a beautiful, old girl to be such a bore! I heard the Prince is looking to consort again (not sure of the meaning of that word, but mayhaps Terries should apply to assist him? Now that would make her two friends angry, because their union positions at the Court are sacrosanct.

Baywitch and Tercec were arguing as usual at the entrance to the castle. Baywitch had prophesied that a 'Stephenkingcarrie' (something like that?) poltergeist would take over the castle this eve. Seeing as Tercec had been shamed by Baywitchs last good guess about this very ball, Tercec was not quite as inflammatory as in previous encounters. Tercec saw us arriving and made her own forecasting: Freddi shall find her good fortunes this eve and a certificate will seal her happiness. Quit your blathering and lets get on the balcony to watch the crowd before those damnable Muppet men take our spot, complained Baywitch. As they walked away, Gidget and China climbed out of their carriages, with identical red dresses on! If they werent our friends (wealthy or not), we probably could have laughed in sheer merriment as they mud-wrestled their way into the castle.

Finally pulled apart by Edna Mae, Court mascot and Mastifflovers constant companion ... Gidget, China, Malo, Shamrock and I, Federica of Blowzy, made our grand entrance. The Pixie-Chicks tried mightily to keep the crowds attention, but it was a losing battle. The other guests were awestruck by our beauty and innocence. Especially noted was my formidable... bosom. King Cholesterol was heard to be taking the credit, the creep! I make sure the maidens in Blowzy drink their goats milk and exercise daily, the tight-jawed patriarch said. It was rumored he was retiring in a week, but was having regrets as to how his son had turned out, and so was going to proclaim the wench Queeniereads as heir to the throne. Which throne? we joked, thinking of the indoor gadgets now at the castle.

A handsome gentleman walked up to me just then. "I am Gawain of North Dakotentary. May I have the first dance of the evening with you, proud wench?" I said, "As long as it is not a slow song, you may. I am feisty but not easy!" He told me he was close friends with Roy Orbisonian, and would order up a snappy tune. The Queeniereads-in-crowd, Mastifflover and Moms overheard this interchange and ran to tell the courts duplicitous spies, Ladykitten and Maureen that they were going to ruin my evening! They, of course, ran back to our five-some with the news.

Was I offended? Hell and damnation and thunderstorms, no! I was ready for anything they brought on. I was energized! I was ready! I was woman. Terries and her friends could carry on their liberation movement in bloomers. I would rule the world with my boar bellies!

The Pixie Chicks finally finished their last song, Ode to Billie Jo Chickenspence, a favorite with the crowd, but no requests for an encore were made... Royal Orbison was being propped up on the stage for his first song! The crowd had heard the rumor of the handsome suitor requesting a special lively tune for Freddi, so all went quiet....

It was then my heart flew out of my chest and was unconditionally given to Gawain. It was unfortunate that, as I leaned over to wipe a tear from my eye, my left baby also gurgled a might. Nonetheless, Gawain and I stepped out on the dance floor, oil lamps down low, and moved sensuously to the music. No one else bothered to join us as we devoured each other with our eyes. Tempestuously, I pulled my love close to me and we finished the last half of the song as though it was the slowest syrup dance in the whole wide world.........................

Why do knights have to wear those dratted vests with the little spikes at the breastbone?

My secret was out! This product definitely needed to be under the skin and that is another story... but as the water spurted on the floor, Gawain slipped in it and almost died... of laughter! He smiled up ant me and said: "I love you, my flat-chested gypsy, and no one will ever take you from my side. Did I tell you I am a leg man?" My heart...etc... overflowed! (He whispered in my ear, "I think we were 'set up' for this as two suspicious women in the Queens company offered me the velvet-spiked vest. They told me you were partial to bondage, and I said 'What the hell?' I decided to temporarily sacrifice my feelings on the subject for my intended bride. She may have a screw loose, but damnation, shes a bawdy wench. I can gentle her later." I gave him a grateful,.... Well, lets just say the strawberry mark I left was meant to last for weeks.

Now I was ready to take on the women.

I almost caved when I saw the lovely Lady PennyPenny run to her Queen's side as protection from the flames shooting from my visage! She did not deserve to be a side victim to my vengeance! Hell's bells, her mother had recruited mine to be an Avon wench!

But suddenly it seemed I had no control over my lissome limbs. They shot me straight up in the air. The room seemed to spin in a trance. Lovely ladies of the court were thrown to the floor by an unseen whirlwind and the gentleman flung against the draped walls! Out of my mouth came the voice of a... bereaved and vengeful mother boar? The shrieking was otherworldly and...groovy! It sure got the Royal familys attention. My undergarments, made specially for this evening by Mother Blanche, started twisting off my body in a delightful twirl... and out fluttered a piece of parchment with script emblazoned in gold! The queen rushed to it, despite the danger, and when she read it she moaned in despair! Then she quieted, got an evil look about her and excused herself to go the royal dumpsite.

We heard then a violent crashing. We learned that Queeniereads mistakenly went to the wrong dumpsite. It was the one the Prince had wrecked along with the Kings derriere. (Maybe I could invent a butt lift operation one day? I pondered, but I digress.) She attempted to flush the paper, but Terries mistook her for a 'lady of the night' and grabbed the paper away as she thought it was an anti-women's lib brochure. The queen, her crown and feathers drooping and damp, walked in just as Terries revealed the papers worth.

This is a birth certificate, proclaiming Federica of Blowzy to be the blood heir to this throne on King Cholesterols retirement. She looked in my direction, and begged for my royal forgiveness for her attitude on Hooters Haven. "Mayhaps I could have you imprint my head on a dollar coin, as reward for giving you your birthright?" She smiled. "or maybe we could discuss new womens fluid wear for the court"

My mind was in a muddle. Gawain took me aside, looked gravely in my eyes and said: " am a simple man from North Dakotentary, and could never be a happy consort. I run a modest railroad system and plan to be a philanthropist on my retirement. I could never fit into the court machinations and politics."

Pupshin, my beloved dog, was already serving herself the court mongrel's T-bone steaks.

My four faithful friends, our two loyal court spies, and assorted village folk were looking to feather their lifestyles with my surprising fortune.

Prince Consort-consort-consort was hiding behind the court's drapes at the walls, feigning a search for his glass eye. I knew Niki was back there too, but I kept quiet.

I kept quiet too long, because as I turned to speak to Gawain, I noticed he had vanished, into the night.

Roy tried to get the evening back to its joyful mood after all that had transpired. He started singing the opening line of "Pretty Woman." A shot rang out. Someone in the crowd fell to the floor, blood spurting on the once-clean rushes. Laid, those red rushes were, for the evenings festivities.